It has to be said. The standard of public speaking in the UK is poor. In my life I’ve probably listened to 1,000 speeches. Two were good, a few were OK, the rest were dismal. Or worse.

In the last month I’ve heard one of the country’s best known football managers stumble his way through one worn-out anecdote after another, and listened to a TV producer spend thirty minutes telling a hundred people how he was robbed of a BAFTA.

So why is public speaking so poor? Why do so many people sit and suffer – and then, when it’s their own turn to speak – stand up and make the same mistakes.

One of the reasons is simple: people don’t use speechwriters as much as they should and – at least if the party conference season is anything to go by – many of the speechwriters that are used aren’t very good.

And so SimpleWords is launching a speechwriting division. That’s a rather grand way of saying that in addition to everything else I’m also going to write speeches, but if I can’t do better than the current practitioners of the art (I use the term loosely) then I promise to give up bacon sandwiches.

So if you’ve a speech looming, get in touch. I’ll make sure your speech is sharp, memorable, focused and – if you want it to be – funny. I’ll make sure people come up to you when you’ve finished – instead of avoiding eye contact as they slink to the exits. Standing ovation? Let’s work on it…